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It’s like you’re perfect

I have been in love more than once in my life. I’ve been in love 3 times. It was all well documented, how I felt, all my emotions written word for word. With each love I’ve had, there was always a little bit of doubt, a red flag I chose to ignore. This feels different. I can see my entire future wrapped up in you. In all of you. It’s like you’re perfect, everything about you seems so lovely to me right now. I like how gentle you are with me. How you act so rushed in the morning, but it’s like you don’t want to leave home. Like you’re so excited for the day but you can’t sit still for even a moment. It drives me crazy when you laugh. I’ve tried to bury all of these feelings for a while now. But it’s in full bloom now. Now I need to wait. I want to run up to you and let you know that I am completely in love with you. But I can’t. I need to wait. It’s so delicate. I dream of you. My heart hasn’t had a normal beat for days, it’s just racing. When I think of having a first kiss, I frlear my heart might explode, where would I find the oxygen to stay alive in that moment? I’m grown now, I need to act like it, but this is the most intense crush I’ve ever had. I need to let things out like a 16 year old girl obsessed with the most handsome man she’s ever known. But unlike 16 year old me, I’m not afraid. I just know that I love him. And he loves me. I’m 99% sure. Time is the only thing that can help me. So I’ll wait. You’re worth it. For you I’d wait. At this point no one else exists in my world, it’s only you. I’ve already packed up my whole heart, it’s sitting in a pretty box, ready to be handed over to you. Beautiful you.

I know what’s happening now…

I’m in love. When did this happen? How did I take so long to realize what was going on? He’s so untouchable and he’s everything that I want. I’ve spent the whole day obsessing about him, how suddenly he’s just perfect to me. For me. I need to see him, hear his voice. Hear him laughing. It’s ridiculous how he lights up my world when he laughs. Kind eyes and a dark side, moody but sweet. I can not stop thinking about him, wishing he would be mine. Mine mine mine. All of him could be mine. I already love his whole past and his present and I know I’ll love his future. Is he thinking about me? Lying awake, dreaming of talking to me, looking me straight in my eyes and saying “I like you”. I dream of you holding my hand in secret, kissing me in the dark. I want this to be ours. Only you and me. No one has to know in the beginning. Let’s run away for the weekend. Meet up in a city we’ve never been to. Hold me in the silence. I love you. Oh my goodness. I need to calm down. But on my house of stone your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.

The One Who Laughs

One of my earliest childhood memories is my father laughing. He has such a loud, friendly and genuine laugh, out of his belly, like he’s rejoicing full-heartedly at that particular moment in time. His name means ‘the one who laughs’ and that has been his outstanding trait from his toddler years.

My grandparents’ eyes always light up when they speak about my father, telling stories about his sweet antics, never getting into trouble, always string to do the right thing and make as many friends as possible along the way. When he hears the stories and realizes he’s the center of attention, he gets this shy smile and gives God all the credit.

He has been my father for 25 years and I have always imagined he was my first friend. More than a father, although he has been a magnificent father and always will be. He has been a friend and a confidant, always willing to listen and support, being patient and showering myself and sister and brother with undying, never ending and unconditional love.

I have been blessed with an excellent father. I consider myself blessed for having a wonderful relationship with my earthly father, it has made my relationship with my Heavenly father so much easier to comprehend. How to start saying thank you for my great fortune? My heart overflows with gratitude.

As I’ve grown older I’ve seen that things aren’t as rosy and magical, and even though I can now understand that my father who I always believed was 100% perfect, and I can see that he is a man that has also been unsure and made decisions he regrets, in my eyes he is still the best man and father I have ever known.

My prayer for him in the next season is for him to draw closer to God that he has ever been. For the breakthrough that he has known will be his portion to be poured out into his life. His life is only starting and I am so happy to be in the space where I am in now to see the great journey he will be on in the future.

Tomorrow on his 52nd birthday, I hope he is overwhelmed by the love of his family and his heavenly Father.

When Will I See You Again

When will I see you again? This question could’ve been philosophical, but I know the answer ; in 63 days.

I cut you off completely. Surgically, almost. Zero contact. How will it feel to see you? How will you feel when you see me? Are you angry with me, sad to have lost me? Bitter since I packed up my bright eyes and fled to the hills?

I am excited at the thought of seeing you again. Your lovely face, your sweet voice. Oh how I wish we could have been friends. I would run to you, hug you so tightly, inhale your marvelous scent and be allowed to love you for simply being alive.

But that is not the reality. The reality is that we might not even acknowledge each other and long for contact only from a distance. Have 3 years meant so little? Am I ridiculous for wishing you would love me as I am: without you as my other half?

I remember in the beginning of us, when I listened to love sogs that i had never cared for, they suddenly started making sense. Now having gone through the end of us, all the sad songs speak to me. Lauv wrote a song for Julia and it nearly broke my heart. It struck a chord. My soul could barely take it.

I used to joke and tell you that I would never get over you if you ever left me, and I would beg you to stay with me forever. Now, still feeling that I may never be ready to let you go completely, I understand that God has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Perhaps its closure that I crave. Is that why I can’t wait to see you? The last time we spoke I knew that there was nothing more we could say in that moment. But now? After four months? Can we start a new, beautiful conversation? Say the things we should have so long ago, full of respect and awe and honor for each other.

Even if its the last conversation we have, it can leave a wonderful, sweet and ever-satisfying taste in our souls of how we will remember each other for eternity.

Tainted Sundays

Its been a week. One whole week since I said goodbye. Those first few days were unreal. Sunday was the first day. My favourite day, magical and beautiful, has forever been tainted with how my heart bled for the thought of really letting go.

Monday I had to keep going, life as usual, as I used to know it. But so much had gone numb inside of me. I never thought i would ever glimpse depression the way i did after you. I miss you so much. My whole body aches when i realize once again that you’re not mine to hold anymore. You never will be again. For so long I could only think of how you did me wrong, and you did, that will never change or go away. But I love you.

I was numb for the rest of the week, keeping it all in, trying to process internally and be okay. I had been battling with this decision for weeks, after all. Then Sunday came around again. I was listening to Lauv sing about Julia, saying he’s sorry. The catch in his voice sent me tumbling. Before i knew it, i was crying, sobbing. I lost you.

I weep for losing you. I weep for losing the pieces of me that broke off in this season. I cant get them back. They blew away like winter leaves in the August winds. My bones are weak with despair.

I weep for your broken heart. Who are you without me? I spent the best part of two years building you up. Now you have to stand alone, face this world by yourself. Will you be alright? When you had me there was nothing you couldn’t do. No one you couldn’t be.

I’ve always told you that I wish you could see yourself the way I do. Beautiful, strong, magnificent. Your ambition like a breathtaking waterfall, your loyalty like a protective brother’s, your wide eyed optimism like a lovely child. Your passion fierce like a lion with a glorious mane. So free and captivating. I hope that this is what I left with you, the assurance that you are better than anyone could ever imagine.

It cuts me so deep knowing that when it came to me your lion-like passion only wanted to devour me. Rip me limb from limb until I was only a pile of dry bones in the corner. And every time my skin grew back, it was a little thinner that before and you could destroy me easier than before. Now I have open wounds, scars in the shape of “not enough” and “get out”. When I cry everything pours out of these wounds and before I know it, I’m empty again.

Nothing changes the fact that you held my heart for such a long time. I’ve wandered around for the last week constantly feeling that I’m forgetting something. That I left something behind.

I am not doing well at all. I wish I could tell you how much it hurts. That this is not easy. That I am sorry.

Just like that

And just like that the weight was lifted. I had been battling with the decision for months. Mostly knowing that it was over, part of me holding on to the good parts. I had hoped that if I gave my all one last time it might work. But deep down I knew I was grasping at straws and stalling for time, wishing someone could decide for me. Break his heart on my behalf.

That’s the last thing I wanted. You with a broken heart. I was speaking to you, saying I’m unsure, confused and afraid of getting hurt again. And you knew exactly what I meant. You were guilty of battering my heart over the last 2 years. In an instant you were doing damage control. Apologizing and saying how things are going to change, that you would change. Bringing up engagement rings, wedding plans. Everything I’ve always wanted.

I wanted to believe you, and I even started to. Then I remembered all the times you’ve said those exact things. And every time I got hurt worse than before. I tried to go to sleep, thinking I’d process in the morning. But I couldn’t sleep. I felt sick. Sick at the thought of being back in your house, you treating me with no respect, making me feel worthless. Me sitting on the cold bathroom floor in the middle of the night trying to cry quietly. Thinking of how your word would Sting my soul for the rest of my life.

That was probably the worst, never being able to cry in front of you. Did you enjoy tearing me down to the lowest I’ve ever been, leaving be bare and exposed , vulnerable, and when I showed you I had had enough, you hit me with the final blow?

It took me a long time to realize that you are a good man, just not good for me. I wanted to blame you for everything. But I created no boundaries in our relationship. That’s on me. Don’t get me wrong, you treated me horribly and made me feel so small. Always claiming you loved me and you’re doing everything for the sake of our future together. But the future you dreamed of only included the idea of me, not the flesh and bone I’m made of.

So many memories flooded my mind as I was trying my best to escape to a dream. I had been praying about it for weeks. Asked God to show me the right thing to do, the right time do it. And the more I tried to relax the more I felt my peace evaporate at the thought of starting over with you. I knew God was speaking and it was time. I laid it all down in a message. I was the most honest I’ve ever been with you.

And as I wrote, I felt the peace returning. And when I was done I knew a small part of me had been restored.

I am sorry that it had to end the way it did, that we couldn’t be better for each other. I want only the best for you. And I am certain that your other half is out there looking for you. And you’ll treat her better. You’ll give her everything.

I’m still all over the place, but I’m right where I need to be.

Looking Back

Change is normal, inevitable. I love seeing how I’ve changed. Remembering how things used to be and seeing how they are now.  This not only feels nostalgic and warm, but gives me the opportunity to be mindfully grateful of what God has done in my life. The times I can see these changes most clearly is when I read through old diaries and journals. Sometimes I cringe when I read the deeper and more serious entries. I can always tell when I was being honest and when I was trying to convince myself of something. The person I am now judging the person I was back then. But then I try to remember what I was feeling at the exact moment I poured out my heart onto those pages.  Usually it lifts my mood when I go back and imagine what it was like when I began the very first sentence of that day with “I am so angry…” or “This life is ridiculous…”. I find myself blushing because of a silly entry. And the more I read the more comfortable I become with who i used to be. Comfortable enough to want to share it with others.

The hurt and the pain stands out most of all sometimes I read and am reminded of the really difficult things I’ve gone through. Those aren’t always so much fun to relive. So many things that my soul hasn’t healed from. Relationships especially. Ones that ended because they chose someone else, ones that ended because I wasn’t happy. Regardless of why, they’ve left so much heartache and destruction. My most vulnerable moments. In a way I’m proud of my ability to give so much of me, open up my entire heart to someone, to trust so wholly. But so many times those same qualities have burned me and I had to start over, rebuild. I realize that I haven’t found the person that is meant to celebrate the person God created me to be. My whole being is what they’ve always dreamed of. Even the bad things, the things that I just am not good at, God has prepared their hearts to know how to respond and they are willing to accept my flaws and still love me unconditionally. I know this is Jesus’ heart for me, his future for my life is to share it with the person he chose for me.

Some of the most exciting things to look back on is the spiritual journey I’ve been on and continue to walk. Reading my conversations with my Creator. It’s the area I’ve grown in the most. The prayer style has changed, I am bolder and more open to share everything with Jesus, to ask him to search me and show me the path he has planned for me. In the past I have had difficulty understanding how to trust God. I always though my emotions would guide me, I mean I feel so deeply after all, surely those same feelings would tell me “yes” or “no”. But in this season of my life, I know that trusting the Father is a process and he has enough grace and patience to let me experience freedom while learning and loving him. He cares about my emotions, they are so important to him. I am created in his image, full of these wonderful feelings of joy and wonder. But now I keep my emotions grounded and rooted in the foundation of his goodness and love.

Looking back gives me hope for the future. I am proud about what I’ve gone through and how I have grown from experiences. I want to continue learning and moving forward and allowing God to do what he wants to in my life. He is always good and his plans for me are marvelous.

Kogin, the first kiss…

I fell in love with you in February. It was warm, you were beautiful. You spoke softly and gently. I loved you. I couldn’t believe how hard and fast I fell. All I knew is I loved you.

A whole day with you with you felt like a split second and I needed more. More time with you. Alone or with all our friends. I couldn’t get enough of your sweet laugh. The way we seemed to understand each other’s sense of humor. I suddenly had a Kogin-shaped hole but no matter how much time I had with you I still wanted so much more.

Quidditch

Ours was always a one-sided kind of love. He loved me. That was it. Despite my best efforts and attempts, I could never return that love. I was absolutely flattered by the attention and affection he so freely gave me that i decided that i would learn to be happy in a relationship, even though i felt almost no romantic attraction. How selfish. It turns out that i am much better at concealing my true feelings than I thought. Because I know that he is a lovely and good person, the thought of hurting him left me feeling distraught. So I smiled at him when he walked through the door, I held his hand when we walked, I kissed his forehead before we went to sleep. I wasn’t going to regret not giving us a try.

 

I told my family about this wonderful man in my life, met his family and friends, knowing very well about the doubts that roared like fire in my heart. For months i thought that time would change my heart and create a fondness for him that i would eventually believe to be love. In all this time I was happy. Or so I thought. I soon started growing quiet, saying hurtful things to people around me, using sarcasm and humor to disguise the confusion i didn’t know how to deal with. I couldn’t even speak to God, I was too ashamed. I grew into a person i did not recognize at all and isolated myself more and more. I just wanted to be alone. Many nights I sat up wondering what is wrong with me, why am I so sad? After a while he noticed that something had changed in me and, like a good boyfriend, he did all he could to help. I couldn’t stand it. I stopped answering when he called, stopped replying to messages he sent, stopped visiting. For weeks he tried, until I finally knew what i needed to say to him. I came home that night to find the most romantic candlelit dinner for the two of us. In his face i could see the fear of what he knew was coming, his eyes wide and sad. Silence filled the air. We ate, barely speaking. I knew that he had done nothing wrong and that i was about to end a relationship purely because I did not feel anything, I never had. How do I relay that to him without causing deep and permanent harm? Later that night we started talking and soon we found it difficult to stop. The floodgates had been opened. Such beautiful words and feelings surrounded us as the words left our lips. I can not recall ever being so honest with a person as I was that night. It was like dancing with truth.

I ended our relationship that night and lost a partner. What I gained was a friend that can not be compared with any other. I do not regret any of it. It might not have been instant, but i felt an unbelievable burden being lifted from me when our relationship ended. The peace I feel now is extraordinary.

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