Looking Back

Change is normal, inevitable. I love seeing how I’ve changed. Remembering how things used to be and seeing how they are now.  This not only feels nostalgic and warm, but gives me the opportunity to be mindfully grateful of what God has done in my life. The times I can see these changes most clearly is when I read through old diaries and journals. Sometimes I cringe when I read the deeper and more serious entries. I can always tell when I was being honest and when I was trying to convince myself of something. The person I am now judging the person I was back then. But then I try to remember what I was feeling at the exact moment I poured out my heart onto those pages.  Usually it lifts my mood when I go back and imagine what it was like when I began the very first sentence of that day with “I am so angry…” or “This life is ridiculous…”. I find myself blushing because of a silly entry. And the more I read the more comfortable I become with who i used to be. Comfortable enough to want to share it with others.

The hurt and the pain stands out most of all sometimes I read and am reminded of the really difficult things I’ve gone through. Those aren’t always so much fun to relive. So many things that my soul hasn’t healed from. Relationships especially. Ones that ended because they chose someone else, ones that ended because I wasn’t happy. Regardless of why, they’ve left so much heartache and destruction. My most vulnerable moments. In a way I’m proud of my ability to give so much of me, open up my entire heart to someone, to trust so wholly. But so many times those same qualities have burned me and I had to start over, rebuild. I realize that I haven’t found the person that is meant to celebrate the person God created me to be. My whole being is what they’ve always dreamed of. Even the bad things, the things that I just am not good at, God has prepared their hearts to know how to respond and they are willing to accept my flaws and still love me unconditionally. I know this is Jesus’ heart for me, his future for my life is to share it with the person he chose for me.

Some of the most exciting things to look back on is the spiritual journey I’ve been on and continue to walk. Reading my conversations with my Creator. It’s the area I’ve grown in the most. The prayer style has changed, I am bolder and more open to share everything with Jesus, to ask him to search me and show me the path he has planned for me. In the past I have had difficulty understanding how to trust God. I always though my emotions would guide me, I mean I feel so deeply after all, surely those same feelings would tell me “yes” or “no”. But in this season of my life, I know that trusting the Father is a process and he has enough grace and patience to let me experience freedom while learning and loving him. He cares about my emotions, they are so important to him. I am created in his image, full of these wonderful feelings of joy and wonder. But now I keep my emotions grounded and rooted in the foundation of his goodness and love.

Looking back gives me hope for the future. I am proud about what I’ve gone through and how I have grown from experiences. I want to continue learning and moving forward and allowing God to do what he wants to in my life. He is always good and his plans for me are marvelous.

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