And just like that the weight was lifted. I had been battling with the decision for months. Mostly knowing that it was over, part of me holding on to the good parts. I had hoped that if I gave my all one last time it might work. But deep down I knew I was grasping at straws and stalling for time, wishing someone could decide for me. Break his heart on my behalf.
That’s the last thing I wanted. You with a broken heart. I was speaking to you, saying I’m unsure, confused and afraid of getting hurt again. And you knew exactly what I meant. You were guilty of battering my heart over the last 2 years. In an instant you were doing damage control. Apologizing and saying how things are going to change, that you would change. Bringing up engagement rings, wedding plans. Everything I’ve always wanted.
I wanted to believe you, and I even started to. Then I remembered all the times you’ve said those exact things. And every time I got hurt worse than before. I tried to go to sleep, thinking I’d process in the morning. But I couldn’t sleep. I felt sick. Sick at the thought of being back in your house, you treating me with no respect, making me feel worthless. Me sitting on the cold bathroom floor in the middle of the night trying to cry quietly. Thinking of how your word would Sting my soul for the rest of my life.
That was probably the worst, never being able to cry in front of you. Did you enjoy tearing me down to the lowest I’ve ever been, leaving be bare and exposed , vulnerable, and when I showed you I had had enough, you hit me with the final blow?
It took me a long time to realize that you are a good man, just not good for me. I wanted to blame you for everything. But I created no boundaries in our relationship. That’s on me. Don’t get me wrong, you treated me horribly and made me feel so small. Always claiming you loved me and you’re doing everything for the sake of our future together. But the future you dreamed of only included the idea of me, not the flesh and bone I’m made of.
So many memories flooded my mind as I was trying my best to escape to a dream. I had been praying about it for weeks. Asked God to show me the right thing to do, the right time do it. And the more I tried to relax the more I felt my peace evaporate at the thought of starting over with you. I knew God was speaking and it was time. I laid it all down in a message. I was the most honest I’ve ever been with you.
And as I wrote, I felt the peace returning. And when I was done I knew a small part of me had been restored.
I am sorry that it had to end the way it did, that we couldn’t be better for each other. I want only the best for you. And I am certain that your other half is out there looking for you. And you’ll treat her better. You’ll give her everything.
I’m still all over the place, but I’m right where I need to be.