Ours was always a one-sided kind of love. He loved me. That was it. Despite my best efforts and attempts, I could never return that love. I was absolutely flattered by the attention and affection he so freely gave me that i decided that i would learn to be happy in a relationship, even though i felt almost no romantic attraction. How selfish. It turns out that i am much better at concealing my true feelings than I thought. Because I know that he is a lovely and good person, the thought of hurting him left me feeling distraught. So I smiled at him when he walked through the door, I held his hand when we walked, I kissed his forehead before we went to sleep. I wasn’t going to regret not giving us a try.
I told my family about this wonderful man in my life, met his family and friends, knowing very well about the doubts that roared like fire in my heart. For months i thought that time would change my heart and create a fondness for him that i would eventually believe to be love. In all this time I was happy. Or so I thought. I soon started growing quiet, saying hurtful things to people around me, using sarcasm and humor to disguise the confusion i didn’t know how to deal with. I couldn’t even speak to God, I was too ashamed. I grew into a person i did not recognize at all and isolated myself more and more. I just wanted to be alone. Many nights I sat up wondering what is wrong with me, why am I so sad? After a while he noticed that something had changed in me and, like a good boyfriend, he did all he could to help. I couldn’t stand it. I stopped answering when he called, stopped replying to messages he sent, stopped visiting. For weeks he tried, until I finally knew what i needed to say to him. I came home that night to find the most romantic candlelit dinner for the two of us. In his face i could see the fear of what he knew was coming, his eyes wide and sad. Silence filled the air. We ate, barely speaking. I knew that he had done nothing wrong and that i was about to end a relationship purely because I did not feel anything, I never had. How do I relay that to him without causing deep and permanent harm? Later that night we started talking and soon we found it difficult to stop. The floodgates had been opened. Such beautiful words and feelings surrounded us as the words left our lips. I can not recall ever being so honest with a person as I was that night. It was like dancing with truth.
I ended our relationship that night and lost a partner. What I gained was a friend that can not be compared with any other. I do not regret any of it. It might not have been instant, but i felt an unbelievable burden being lifted from me when our relationship ended. The peace I feel now is extraordinary.